Light Entertainment.

So it's been a really long time since I've had any activity in my private life... Since breaking up with DJ Man, I had given up on romance for awhile. But this past weekend had seen a little bit of entertainment in this area of my life. 

Not only did I get a guy to blow his load without even touching him, I also got to second base with a new mate and got lip raped by a third! Yes... you heard right!  LIP RAPED! I couldn't believe it! After all these months of keeping a very low profile, a girl's still got it! :S

My first victim was Brooklyn Boy, we skyped whilst I was at work, so on my end I had to be on my best behaviour as I work in an open planned office. Meanwhile, on his end... he was having a solo party and I was the entertainment! So where was my fun in this situation?

My next encounter was with SMILES, someone I've only known for a few months, but he's someone I find I can talk to easily, even about very private things in my life. So we were out with friends, and at the end of the night, he had offered to drive me home. Once in my driveway, an innocent kiss turned into.... well something else.

And my third and last encounter?... I was the victim. I went on a date this a guy I met online. He was nice enough, but a bit honest and direct for my liking. The conversation was a bit average... and to be honest, I really didn't think that he was my type, but hey... at least I gave it a go! Anyway, he was nice enough to walk me to my car at the end of our meeting, and then all of the sudden, he was all over my face. HELLO! A girl's a little in shock here! Not only that... he didn't want to let me go?

SO! After this weekend this is what I've concluded, Brooklyn Boy can only be a fantasy, both for me and for him! I hope SMILES stays on the scene a little while longer, and run... very fast and very far from Lip Raper!

Apology accepted.

So a few weeks ago I get a random email from a guy I dated a couple times several years ago. He'd mentioned that he'd gone home to England for a couple of years... yah-dah, yah-dah! and was now back in Sydney and still had a few of my belongings and wanted to know if he should mail them to me or not.

Now first of all... I couldn't believe this guy still had my email after having years of no contact! And second... why would he still have my belongings?

So after weeks of emailing back and forth, and an accidental awkward run-in at the train station, we finally met up for a quick catch up over our lunch hour during the week. And I must say... I was a little weirded out by the situation... cause here in front of me was a guy who only a couple of years ago, suddenly didn't feel like he didn't want to see me anymore cause he wasn't ready for a relationship, when all his actions leading up to that moment said otherwise!!! Does this sound a little like deja-vu? (DJ Man)

After two drinks at the pub, him... doing most of the talking, and me... trying to keep up with the conversation whist thinking about other things... he unexpectantly apologises for being an arsehole all those years ago! I mean... Did I hear right? Could this be a first?

Well I don't know about the rest of the female population... but I have never had a guy apologise for his irrational actions that had happened several year previous! Not only was I surprised, but a little lost for words. 

Why does it take a guy several years to actually realise what an arse they've been in the pass? Does it really take them several years to reflect on their actions? I would love to get an insight on the how a guy really thinks... so please let me know what I'm really missing out on!

Broken

Can one be heartbroken twice by two separate men in as many months... What does this say about me as a person?

It has been a long time since I've let men into my heart. Ten or so years in fact... boyfriend number one to be exact! I was so head over heels with B/f#1 that I was so blinded by what a horrible person he was. And after that distressing experience I have kept men at a distance, and my guard on full alert. So why now am I giving permission for people to just waltz right in? Am I getting mellow as I age?

It has been twice since that first time that I've since handed out the key, and it has been exactly twice that I have fallen to pieces. Is there a curse I'm not aware of where handing out the key could cause unstable emotional turmoil? Cause I don't remember getting that memo...

I get that it's a risk you take for letting someone partake in your emotions and into your heart, but seriously... is there a happily ever after? Is it 3 strikes and you're out! And then you turn into an ice queen? Cause this is how I feel I should be after being broken down and bruised so many times. And it's not as if I hand out the keys freely either, I believe I've been quite selective in my choices. So why can't I seem to make a real relationship work? Am I not suitable relationship material?

If you read my blog, and can see a pattern that I'm unaware of please let me know, as I haven't a clue what else to do before I really do turn into an ice queen.

A Sudden Ending over Skype

So what seemed to me like a developing relationship was in fact not! So after two months of seeing DJ Man, quite intimately he suddenly called it quits.

When we got back together we were quite clear on how we felt for each other, so what had happened over the last week or two that he suddenly felt that it didn't seem right? This all came as a shock to me as right up until yesterday I thought that our relationship was quite steady and stable. We didn't have a fight or anything... so it must have been something I'd said.

The other day I had to go to a gynaecologist to get a couple of tests done, and as traumatic as it was the gynaecologist was to total inconsiderate bitch. I had asked her ways in which I could minimise my period pain... and you know what she prescribed? Getting pregnant! She had said that women at my age with severe period pain and had not had children yet should do so to avoid it. She also informed me that the prime time for women to have children was between 26-30yrs, and as I'm in my early thirties already, my chances of getting pregnant was getting pretty slim. WTF?

I'll get pregnant when I'm ready thanks, and not when so called medical experts says so. So later when DJ Man had asked how the appointment went I told him what she'd told me. He had asked me how I'd felt about what she'd said, and I had told him that it scared me to think about it because I'd like to have children eventually, but not for a couple of years yet. I had no intention of pressuring him into having children, as I myself am definitely not ready for children at all. I thought I was quite clear and honest about how I felt on the subject.

So after that particular conversation, he had told me that he'd been doing some soul searching and come to the conclusion that he didn't feel for me enough to have children with me. (What! Where had that come from?) He had said that he'd lost the feeling he had for me, and that I was the perfect partner and ticked all the right boxes, but being with me didn't seem right. He'd liked hanging out with me, but didn't liked me enough to want to be with me all the time. That I wasn't his number one priority when I should be, and that I deserved someone who would make me their number one priority. I personally didn't realise there as an ON/OFF switch for your feelings! Is it really possible?

So what is a girl to say to that? I was completely lost for words. I thought we were mature enough adults to discuss such personal things, I guess I was wrong.

Driving Me Crazy!

Well things seem to be looking good for me in the romance department. 

I'm back with my man and I'm loving every minute of it!

I can be myself, and he's totally ok with it... I even get butterflies just when I'm about to meet up with him 

(how tweenager of me)! LOL! The weekend that just went was the highlight of this relationship for me so far.

We had a romantic dinner down by the harbour for no particular reason, with great food, a couple of bottles of wine and even a fireworks display right where we were seated! I met his mum, had my first acupuncture and cupping treatment as well as getting to see him 4 times in one week! This is a massive deal for us as we both live on opposite sides of the city and it takes us at least an hour to get to each other's places.

When we don't see each other we usually text constantly throughout the day, everyday and we either talk on the phone 

or Skype. But today I have heard nothing from him... So is all this personal contact driving me to want him even more? 

It's like I can't get enough of him... Is this too much too soon?

Killing Me Softly.

Well it's been a week, and I'm still hurting... When will this feeling end? Will he forgive me for my stoopid mistake?

It's been awhile since I've really felt like this... that I've let someone I really cared about down, and I'm angry! Angry at myself for behaving the way that I did... angry at the situation and how it got so out of control!

We've spoken since the incident and he says he forgives me as a person, but would need time to take me back as a lover... This waiting game is killing me, but only time will tell how much I really mean to him. Please come back to me! I miss you!

Where's the DELETE button...

Things had developed quite a lot with DJ Man and I, so much so that apparently it was called a relationship! But now as I sit here typing all this out... my heart is quite heavy and slowly breaking.

It is true to say that you don't really know what you've got until you've lost it. I guess this is a lesson learnt the hard way. Over the last few weeks, DJ Man has been there for me through my loss of Maximus, and through various other dramas I have going on in my life at the moment. 

It had been a long time for me to have someone really care for me and my wellbeing. And because of this I trusted him enough to let him in. Into my life... and into my heart. And I believe this was the same for him as well... And because of a single text from me to a mutual friend, all that's gone to shit!

The whole situation's way too complicated to explain, but basically I didn't have his back when I should of. If only there was such a thing as rewind and a massive DELETE button you use for life I wouldn't be feeling so sad and lonely...

So DJ Man I'm really sorry for not being there for you, when the whole time you've been nowhere but here for me. xx